January 2017

Saw an episode of Mr. Robot today and started Madoka again. I'm so
completely empty, sad, pointedly aware and keenly out of it all that I
couldn't describe it all except

**Mahler's No. 5 — IV Adagietto**

It's too much for me to shoulder now. I nearly lost it on the way to brush
my teeth but I heard voices. From the room next to mine. Rationalism,
religion, big weighty — I stopped in the hallway just to hear it all. The I
overflowed with a silent fit of laughter — how could I not — you would have
done the same. I've never felt more dead/alive. This is a new experience.

I've banished the everyday just for a few hours. What really soured me today was
seeing █████. There is no person I've ever wanted to see more and yet when
we meet I always feel uncomfortable, I am not comfortable with myself
because I have so much to say but the bubbling emotional fountain sounds so
compromising in the physical and I've never said anything close to that to
any other person. Does █████ know how much of an influence █████ has been,
how great a friend █████ has been? oh I'm getting starting to...